Preparing for the greatest journey of my life.

Last Monday, 11 a.m. I received an SMS from Mak. It read:

Alhamdulillah..just frm tabung haji. cnfrm.

So this is it, people. My lucky number is up. If all goes according to plan,God-willing, I'm going to be joining the estimated 3 million Muslims from around the world congregating in a desert in Saudi Arabia on the 9th of Zulhijjah, 1427 H.

Yeah, I know, it comes as a surprise to most of you. The only people who really know of my plans are those at the office. Well, it'd be a bit of a bummer if I just suddenly disappear for 45 days without prior notice, wouldn't it? And they only found out because everyone had to prepare a Leave Plan from October to March next year. I didn't really want to talk about it until I really know for sure that I'd be going - I've been on the standby list since early this year. And even then I wasn't too sure whether I really did want to go either. All these excuses were swimming in my head - the kids are too young, too much work at the office, I'm not ready (orang Melayu kata tak sampai seru kononnya), etc etc etc. But then, it's the same as donning the hijab, isn't it? We are never really ready unless we make a commitment to be ready for it. And the last couple of weeks have reaffirmed my commitment.

On the 11th and 12th, I had to attend a state-level assembly for all the bakal-bakal haji. It was held at the Shah Alam Sultan Salahuddin Abdul Aziz Shah Mosque, and we were supposed to stay the night (I didn't, because I met my neighbours there and they decided to go back home so I hitched a ride with them). The assembly was meant to be as practical as possible, so we had to put on the ihram garments at the appropriate moments to perform the tawaf around a dummy Kaabah, walk the Sa'ie along the pavement, and stone the Jamrah. For good measure, we did the stonepicking at night.

But what really had an impact on me was the sheer size of the congregation. At the mosque, there were about 3000 of us, from just one state. Imagine a sea of people all clothed in white. The first time I entered the Hall for the first briefing, I just went 'WOW'!!! Multiply that by 10 and that's about the number of Malaysian pilgrims in total. And multiply that by 100 for the whole congregation in Arafah. And 5 million people at the Masjidil-Haram for each congregational prayer.

During mealtimes , when everyone's rushing and pushing to grab their food, you can see and hear the patience dissipating. And to think this isn't even one percent of what we're going to face in Makkah. With people from all over the world, speaking different languages, hardly understanding one another. And yet patience is the currency to earn Haji Mabrur. The thought of it is scary, but thrilling at the same time.

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Anyway, there are several things I need to do before I leave on the 23rd of December.

Number 1: Pay off all my debts.
If I owe you anything, especially in terms of material possessions, please claim it from me. I may have nicked or borrowed a few stuff from people at school or the office (maybe intentionally or unintentionally) and forgot to return them. And I'm about to make a confession here (well, three, actually), stuff I borrowed from my juniors in Seremban (shock! horror!) but never got round to returning them. And the worst bit is I don't remember the girls names:

1) A set of three books written by Christopher Pike, the 'Final Friends' series. The owner is two years my junior (Form One 1991), from blue house, and I think she performed in the English drama in her freshie concert but I hardly saw her acting after that. I think she was Noor Farilla's starter. Anyway, she was so nice to lend me all three when I only wanted to read one, but I in turn lent them to some friends and never quite got them back. The worst part is, the books apparently were bought in the UK (according to an inscription in the front cover), so even though they were available in Malaysia, there must've been some sentimental value attached to them. I never got round to replacing those books.

2) A small torchlight from one of my younger Freshie Sisters (Form One 1992) yellow house. I think she was in the Freshie Concert English drama for her batch, although I can't quite remember what character she played. I borrowed the torchlight for one of the Police Cadet camping trips. I think she wore a tudung and spoke with a slight lisp.

3) Now this one is tricky. She's also one of my Freshie sisters, also from yellow house. She was in English drama too, and I think she played the 'male interest' (hey, all girls' school, have to make do lah). I remember her having short curly hair. The trouble is, I can't remember what I borrowed from her. It must've been something small and inexpensive, like a pair of scissors or something.

So is this bad or what? I feel really terrible - 13 years on and I still have this hanging on my head. And me being Head Prefect and all. Well, who says I'm perfect?

I just hope that, even if the three of you are not reading this, that you have found it in your hearts to forgive me. I'm planning to donate an equivalent sum to a charity, and I hope the pahala of those deeds are accredited to you. If anyone does know how to contact these girls (gosh, they'd be 27 now) please get in touch with me so I can contact them before I leave.