It's my baby and I'll try if I want to...

So this is it. The final countdown has begun.

By this time tomorrow, InsyaAllah if everything goes well, I'll be holding my second son in my arms. And it'll be at the end of a journey with so many crossroads to choose from.

I started my leave yesterday. In the last week, my baby's growth has leapt from a smallish 2.4 kg to a 'just nice' 3 kg. Just to be sure that we covered all eventualities, my gynae did a measurement of my pelvis, then looked at me with a sceptical eye and said, "Are you a sportswoman?"

Turns out I have a narrow pelvis, about an opening of only 11 cm, which is actually the borderline size for a normal vaginal delivery. If Nuaim had insisted on coming out through normal channels instead of C-section, he would definitely have gotten stuck not even halfway through. As it is, with this pregnancy, now is the best time for me to deliver the baby. Doc advised me to go for a planned, induced labour. I told her I'll wait it out, at least till Wednesday. And that's tomorrow.

I had decided much earlier on a vaginal birth and for labour to start naturally instead of being induced. In the past few weeks, conditions seemed favourable for what people still call a 'normal' birth (as if having a C-section makes one a freak!). So despite not having to work anymore, I'm trying to keep myself busy and active. According to a colleague, that and eating loads of food helps to speed up the onset of labour. Eating for me is not a problem. And Hubby of course was ecstatic that a certain activity would also help to - ahem - 'dilate the cervix.' I was half-expecting (and hoping) for a 'show' in the middle of the night, but except for a certain heaviness in my lower abdomen, nothing's happened yet.

So yesterday, wishing that I didn't have to and telling myself it's only a backup plan, I called the hospital to book me in for tonight.

Right now I'm stuck between having to deal with two extreme 'mindsets'. Mak, who has never had a Caesarean (in fact Nuaim's delivery was the first in our family) wants me to go au naturel and wait for the labour to commence on its own. She also thinks my doctor is generally biased towards performing a C-section, regardless of the patient's condition; and that somehow getting labour induced is just going to lead to another surgery. I keep telling her that if I wait any longer, chances are the baby will be too big and I won't even be able to try for a vaginal birth, but somehow that reasoning seems to escape her.

MIL, on the other hand, delivered all 3 sons 'through the window', so I get more sympathy from her. I tell her that this is the best time for me to try for a normal delivery, so I really want to grab this window of opportunity, but we'll just have to wait and see how I get along tomorrow. She keeps telling me not to force myself if I feel I can't go through with it, that it's more important for both me and the baby to be safe.

Sometimes I wish I had planned to spend my confinement in Alor Setar instead of here, but there are too many things to deal with that actually requires me to be here.

And then, of course there's ... but we'll not talk about it here. Not yet, anyway.

Things are also getting pretty emotional between me and Nuaim now. He seems to be so clingy nowadays, and despite the fact that he's been spending nights away from me (to get him over his breastfeeding 'addiction') he still gets really upset when he wants to 'mamam' and I refuse him. Sometimes I give in, because I'm too tired of arguing and also because deep down inside I just want to be able to spoil him like everyone else does. After all, I am his mother, aren't I? I should be entitled to spoil him rotten like nobody's business if I want to.

Dear God, I so wish this thing will be over quickly and safely. I guess asking for everyone to be happy is too much, but just as long as I'm happy, boleh tak?