Ich bin Perfectionist

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

Perfectionism, in psychology, is a belief that perfection can and should be attained. In its pathological form, it is a belief that anything less than perfect is unacceptable. At pathological levels, this is considered an unhealthy belief.

I probably am one. You see, I have rules of thumb in folding clothes. It's very simple really, and the result is my clothes stack better and I can find them easily. T-shirts, shirts and blouses are folded in half lengthwise; trousers, baju kurung and full length skirts are folded in thirds; full length dresses or robes folded to a quarter of the original length. It really freaks me out when they're folded any other way, so much so that I'll actually refold the clothes. This annoys Hubby somewhat, especially when it's him who did the original folding. Of course guys just don't get it do they? And you know what? My method is actually correct. There's a website to prove it. I bet even Martha Stewart would approve.

I also used to be a pain-in-the-A$% perfectionist when it comes to work, but I've learnt that people and projects appreciate schedule before quality, unless there is something seriously wrong with the work. There used to be a time when I wouldn't even start on anything until I really had all the information needed and knew exactly what to deliver, but then I realised other people didn't care half as much as I did and still they got away scots-free. I have not quite reduced my perfectionist streak by half yet, but I think I'm getting there.

And yet, doesn't that mean I'm compromising on my own basic principles - to always give better than my best? I think it was my former Music teacher in secondary school who said that, way back in 1992. And it's something I've always held on to and believed in. But sometimes it's just so damn tiring, isn't it? Especially when things still don't seem to work out (this seems to be de riguer in raising my children) no matter how much you've tried, or you see other people getting the same reward or better by putting in what, to your standards, are only mediocre performances. There must be something else missing, some sort of blessing or spiritual connection with God that I lack. I know I certainly lack in performing amal ibadah, and sometimes that euphoric feeling people get from prayers or reading the Qur'an is absent in me. Maybe I'm just too preoccupied with the material world - not in the sense of being materialistic, but just too involved in getting material issues resolved.

The first couple of months after coming back from Haj earlier this year, I did feel a certain calmness in facing the storms at the office. I literally took everything in my stride, believing firmly that things will work out in the end, that there's no reason to panic, just think things through calmly, plan and implement accordingly. However, things seemed to just disintegrate on its own. I ended up doing so much fire-fighting, and in the end even all that effort came to nothing as something else beyond my control got screwed up.

What really counts, the end or the means - even if you don't quite reach the end you wanted? If you've squeezed every effort you can and exerted every ounce of patience and perseverance you have (which may not be much in the first place) and still your kids end up an unruly lot, are you a bad parent? Is it possible to be perfect in everything - the perfect wife, mother, employee, manager, friend and spiritual creature? If it came to a compromise, which one takes top priority?

Sometimes I think I should just concentrate on doing what I do best. Unfortunately, currently my best performance is in terms of my career. So I spend more time at the office instead of at home, because there I'm dealing with just facts and figures, words and numbers, images on a computer screen or on a piece of paper. Things I can control and manipulate.

Unlike people. I don't even know where to start in dealing with them.

Sometimes I think I'm doing the right thing, but the receiving end doesn't think so. Which makes it even more difficult for me to become the perfect wife, mother and daughter. Hence it looks like I place higher priority over my work than anything else.

It's not true though.

I'm just trying to do better than my best. But maybe even that isn't good enough.