I'm not a nice person. In fact, I'm downright rude and cruel and ungrateful most of the time. Except that all this happens in my head, and behind a fake smile pasted on my face.
Just so you know, when I'm just smiling at you saying nothing, the inner me is venting forth such venom you wouldn't survive if I said it out loud.
Why do I hold it back, bite my tongue?
Because I don't want to rock the boat. Because it's not worth all the fuss and agony. Because it's just rude. Unbecoming of me to say such things. And it'll hurt you. That's the intent of those words.
Sometimes I hold it back so much I become a pushover. Adoi, sakitnya jatuh.
Tuesday, 18 July 2006
Monday, 10 July 2006
Patting myself lamely on the back
Breath. In. Out. With relief.
So I passed the assessment. Only JUST. I think my assessors, one of whom is destined to become my future boss once I finish this current project, was more keen to make me pass than I was. The position ‘reserved’ for me in the new company is a higher grade that the one I’m in now, and I know my current supervisors aren’t going to let him hear the end of it if I didn’t make the cut.
I’d prepared a little speech in my head, in case they DID fail me. I would’ve said, in a disdainful tone with a couldn’t-care-less attitude, that with a full-time project and two kids, getting through the assessment was the least of my priorities at the moment. How what’s important is that so far all my projects are performing well (as if I played such a major role in getting it done) and none of my clients have complained. However, as we were nearing the end of the assessment, I was surprised to find how desperately I wanted to get through this. After all the high expectations and wonderful performance of 2004, it’d be a crushing disappointment to fail, not least for my superiors.
Also, I have to admit, my ego did take a bit of a beating. With everyone saying how I’ll get through with a breeze, I almost believed them. Instead my interview outran the allotted 2 hours by 90 minutes. No wonder I feel so drained!!
Some good did come out of it. We’ve acknowledged that I still lack the practical skills to become a well-rounded, competent engineer. And apparently I have a good grasp of the theory and concepts, although I fluffed up a lot of simple, everyday equations. In fact Future Boss seemed shocked when I said that I’d stay in engineering for now.
FB: “For now? What do you mean for now?”
Me: “Well, I have an option presented to me to go into management instead of staying in the technical line, and might decide to take that up in future.”
FB: “What options?”
After I explained to him that I definitely want to stay in engineering to strengthen my technical capabilities, and even if I were to go into management it would be in the technical line, he relaxed.
Sayang jugak korang kat aku ni.
So I passed the assessment. Only JUST. I think my assessors, one of whom is destined to become my future boss once I finish this current project, was more keen to make me pass than I was. The position ‘reserved’ for me in the new company is a higher grade that the one I’m in now, and I know my current supervisors aren’t going to let him hear the end of it if I didn’t make the cut.
I’d prepared a little speech in my head, in case they DID fail me. I would’ve said, in a disdainful tone with a couldn’t-care-less attitude, that with a full-time project and two kids, getting through the assessment was the least of my priorities at the moment. How what’s important is that so far all my projects are performing well (as if I played such a major role in getting it done) and none of my clients have complained. However, as we were nearing the end of the assessment, I was surprised to find how desperately I wanted to get through this. After all the high expectations and wonderful performance of 2004, it’d be a crushing disappointment to fail, not least for my superiors.
Also, I have to admit, my ego did take a bit of a beating. With everyone saying how I’ll get through with a breeze, I almost believed them. Instead my interview outran the allotted 2 hours by 90 minutes. No wonder I feel so drained!!
Some good did come out of it. We’ve acknowledged that I still lack the practical skills to become a well-rounded, competent engineer. And apparently I have a good grasp of the theory and concepts, although I fluffed up a lot of simple, everyday equations. In fact Future Boss seemed shocked when I said that I’d stay in engineering for now.
FB: “For now? What do you mean for now?”
Me: “Well, I have an option presented to me to go into management instead of staying in the technical line, and might decide to take that up in future.”
FB: “What options?”
After I explained to him that I definitely want to stay in engineering to strengthen my technical capabilities, and even if I were to go into management it would be in the technical line, he relaxed.
Sayang jugak korang kat aku ni.
Wednesday, 5 July 2006
Boss, I'm due for promotion
This wonderful Company is very sadistic about promoting people. It used to be (way back when I was still green in the job) that after a certain number of years in the same position, you'd get promoted to the next level, as long as there was a 'box' available for you. Strictly speaking, one had to attend a requisite number of functional training to be considered 'skilled' enough to be promoted, but this was not really implemented. People got by despite being less technically adept than their subordinates.
Someone must have alerted the Big Guys in 2002, because suddenly everyone's movement up the career ladder (at least those in the same job grade as me) was put on hold until they completed their training. The training centre had to hold extra sessions, all jam-packed with 20-plus participants, to cater for the number of personnel due for promotion. I was quite happy then to give up my training spot to more senior (read: more years in the company) people, as I'd already had two mini-promotions in as many years.
Then the salary scale was revised. Instead of just jumping from grade to grade, these were now grouped together into several 'bands'. Making the big leap from the bottom band (where I am now) required one not just to complete their training, but also to prove their technical competence through an oral assessment. And this is the headache for me. My assessment is in TWO DAYS' TIME!!!
If I had done the assessment back in 2004, I would have passed with flying colours.
I did go for a 'just-for-the-heck-of-it' assessment then, and the results were very encouraging. In fact, competency-wise, I leapfrogged at least half of my more senior colleagues. But as I had yet to finish my training then, I wasn't eligible for promotion anyway. Besides, I couldn't langkah bendul over so many other engineers in my department, so I didn't really make a fuss about it. After all, making the big leap after 6 years in the job, as opposed to 4, is still an achievement compared to some.
However, post-delivery and still recuperating from Pregnancy Brain Drain, I can't seem to recall anything from all the training and work I've done (except for the sweat and tears). I tried to get out of it by submitting the 2004 results, but apparently they're only valid for a year so I have to do it all over again. So here I am, in a self-imposed confinement back at the condo away from my kids, and what am I doing? Blogging and bloghopping as usual.
Aaargh!!! Stress siot!!!
Someone must have alerted the Big Guys in 2002, because suddenly everyone's movement up the career ladder (at least those in the same job grade as me) was put on hold until they completed their training. The training centre had to hold extra sessions, all jam-packed with 20-plus participants, to cater for the number of personnel due for promotion. I was quite happy then to give up my training spot to more senior (read: more years in the company) people, as I'd already had two mini-promotions in as many years.
Then the salary scale was revised. Instead of just jumping from grade to grade, these were now grouped together into several 'bands'. Making the big leap from the bottom band (where I am now) required one not just to complete their training, but also to prove their technical competence through an oral assessment. And this is the headache for me. My assessment is in TWO DAYS' TIME!!!
If I had done the assessment back in 2004, I would have passed with flying colours.
I did go for a 'just-for-the-heck-of-it' assessment then, and the results were very encouraging. In fact, competency-wise, I leapfrogged at least half of my more senior colleagues. But as I had yet to finish my training then, I wasn't eligible for promotion anyway. Besides, I couldn't langkah bendul over so many other engineers in my department, so I didn't really make a fuss about it. After all, making the big leap after 6 years in the job, as opposed to 4, is still an achievement compared to some.
However, post-delivery and still recuperating from Pregnancy Brain Drain, I can't seem to recall anything from all the training and work I've done (except for the sweat and tears). I tried to get out of it by submitting the 2004 results, but apparently they're only valid for a year so I have to do it all over again. So here I am, in a self-imposed confinement back at the condo away from my kids, and what am I doing? Blogging and bloghopping as usual.
Aaargh!!! Stress siot!!!
Saturday, 1 July 2006
Fashion victim
Part of the school uniform where I did my A-Levels in England was a dark blue V-neck jumper. It was compulsory for us to wear it throughout the year until Spring was officially announced, which would be some time in May or late April. For a foreign student like me who wasn't quiet used to the cold, I kept the jumper on almost throughout the whole school year. When it got too warm, some of the girls would wear the jumpers tied round their waists, much to the displeasure of our Headmaster. In fact, it so incurred his wrath that he brabded them 'victims of the tyranny of fashion'.
I have to admit feeling a bit like a victim these last few weeks. Having spent two months of maternity leave in shapeless T-shirts and baggy trousers, I was fretting over what to wear back to the office. Granted, I have regained my pre-pregnancy weight, but there's been a noticeable shift in the terrain. Certain parts have grown, while my previously narrow hips have become almost non-existent. I also realised that my scarves and workclothes were mismatched. My female logic deduced only one solution: SHOPPING!
Coincidentally, Hubby received some discount vouchers for the new MJ concept store. So of I went to check out the new outlet, with a mental list of the stuff I need:
I have to admit feeling a bit like a victim these last few weeks. Having spent two months of maternity leave in shapeless T-shirts and baggy trousers, I was fretting over what to wear back to the office. Granted, I have regained my pre-pregnancy weight, but there's been a noticeable shift in the terrain. Certain parts have grown, while my previously narrow hips have become almost non-existent. I also realised that my scarves and workclothes were mismatched. My female logic deduced only one solution: SHOPPING!
Coincidentally, Hubby received some discount vouchers for the new MJ concept store. So of I went to check out the new outlet, with a mental list of the stuff I need:
- Dark brown or grey trouser suit - jacket must end below bum to hide flatness
- Plain dark blue shirt to match existing patterned blue scarves
- Plain maroon/dark red shirt to match existing patterned maroon scarves
Instead, what I bought were:
- White shirt with red stripes
- White shirt with black stripes
And was tempted to almost buy:
- Black court shoes with cute ribbons
The reason being, I had a RM20 discount voucher that I could use if and only if the value of clothes purchased are at least RM120. And being a loyalty card and discount voucher junkie, I just had to spend money to make a saving. Some logic, huh? And this coming from an Instrument Engineer who designs Safety Systems for gas plants.
I figured I'd only need to spend RM100 in total. But the sales and marketing guys at MJ are really clever. The shirts I bought cost RM69.90 each, which meant I actually spent close to RM120 - no real saving. Any other combination of clothes that appealed to me would've cost RM119.80. I bet they marked up the price by 10 ringgit that month, just to snare hapless gullible consumers like me.
And I still haven't found what I'm looking for to match all those scarves.
Sunday, 25 June 2006
What Nuaim Did
Dearest Abang,
How are you in the land of camels and kharuf? I hope you're keeping well, and the sun is not too harsh on your skin. Yeah, yeah, I know it's not macho to wear sunblock and moisturiser, especially for a big guy like you, but skin cancer doesn't discriminate, kan?
How far away are you staying from the Red Sea? In a proper house or a cabin? And what time does the sun rise in Port Sudan? Just so I can visualise you jogging all the way to the beach in the morning, that's all. SMS doesn't provide enough space for very descriptive missives, and keeping Nuaim and Nu'man company doesn't leave enough time to SMS either. And it really bothers me when your handphone goes dead just when I'm describing Nuaim's latest antics. I never get to the "I Miss You" bit...
Nuaim was really restless yesterday. It started in the morning, when Mak's neighbour dropped by with her baby on the way to the store. Their house is one of those Nuaim visits in the evenings, because it has a fish pond. When they left (actually while they were still in Mak's living room), Nuaim wanted to go visit them at home to see the fish, despite there being no one around. He was getting very close to Tantrum Territory, so I decided to take him for a stroll at one of the shopping complexes, anywhere that has fish of the breathing & swimming variety. Does 1 Utama have a petshop? I must have confused it with Ikano Power Centre, because when I searched the shop index I couldn't find anything on pets or animals.
Luckily enough the Rainforest section had an aquarium of local freshwater fish, so that appeased him. And then we discovered there were actually several koi ponds and waterfalls there. So many fish, of all sizes and colour! I was content to just walk around with Nuaim until he saw two kids walking on a narrow wall between the trees and tried to literally follow in their footsteps. I had to lure him away with promises that we were going to see aeroplanes next. Fortunately there was a big styrofoam model of a jet fighter hanging in an atrium near GSC, and it was close enough to a juice bar so I could get some liquid sustenance.
We had to go through the toy section of U Parkson to get to the carpark. There were miniature cars, trucks, aeroplanes and space rockets in a glass display cabinet which caught his eye, and I had to hoist him up onto my shoulder so he could see the toys on the top shelf. I would have bought him a toy, but the pieces were either too small or too expensive. Tunggu balik Kelantan beli kat Rantau Panjang lah. Or when you come back with more moolah than you can spend.
Nuaim has somehow developed an aversion to being restrained in his car seat. He flipped and flopped on the back seat, and I didn't have the energy nor the patience to deal with him in a humid carpark, so I just made sure that the doors were locked and drove off with him lying on the floor. As we neared the exit, he clambered onto the passenger seat next to me, but still refused to put on the seat belt. It wasn't until we reached the traffic lights at the TTDI junction that I could finally strap him in. Of course, he was really tired by then (after two hours walking about, so was I), and fell asleep before we got home.
Now I understand why you always take a long nap after Nuaim's Sunday morning Tumble Tots session. I'm so sorry I nag you for it.
We went to see the house in TTDI Jaya in the afternoon. Mama and Bapak wanted to see the house too, and Apet roleplayed as a QS to help Azzam take measurements. Everyone was throwing ideas, and my initially simple plan of extending the kitchen and dining room started to grow bigger and bigger.
"You can extend the living room all round right up to the edge," said Mak.
"But then I'll have no verandah," I responded.
"You don't need a verandah."
"But I want one." I was starting to sound like a petulant little girl.
See, this is why I prefer to do things on my own. Mothers mean well, but sometimes they can be so... imposing. And that's when I start to act childish. It's not really me, I'm just responding to external stimuli.
It wasn't until Azzam pointed out that the column in the living room corner couldn't be removed did they drop the notion. Yay, I get to keep my verandah!!
Bapak had taken Nuaim to the playground in front of the house, so he didn't get to see the house properly until after we had finished discussing the renovation plans. By then, it was 6.30 pm and we had to rush home for Asar prayers. Bapak, Mama and your brothers stayed for a late tea and Maghrib prayers, but when they were about to leave Nuaim wanted to go with them. It was heartwrenching to hear Nuaim's cries, I was tempted to let them take him, but Bapak insisted that 'we shouldn't take the boy away from his mother. It's bad enough his father had to go away.' He's so considerate I almost feel guilty.
I've gone through all the videos of Nuaim in my PC and renamed them with more accurate descriptions of the contents. Going through his pudgy baby moments left me feeling nostalgic. How quickly they grow up! Soon Nu'man will be rolling, crawling, walking and running around too.
You may have noticed I don't write much about Nu'man. That's because he spends most of his time sleeping. Two nights ago, he went to sleep at almost midnight and didn't wake up at all till 8 a.m! He's such a happy baby, all you need to do is smile at him and he'll be grinning away! The only time he cries is when he's hungy, or Nuaim tumbles over him.
Oops, I promised to bake lasagna today and it's almost 4.30 so I better start now before the kids wake up.
It's been 12 days since you left. I miss you. How many weeks more before you come home? Is it 60 or 100 days before you get R&R? I hope things are improving over there, then you can come home sooner and we can all go stroll in the Rainforest together.
Lots of love,
Dian
How are you in the land of camels and kharuf? I hope you're keeping well, and the sun is not too harsh on your skin. Yeah, yeah, I know it's not macho to wear sunblock and moisturiser, especially for a big guy like you, but skin cancer doesn't discriminate, kan?
How far away are you staying from the Red Sea? In a proper house or a cabin? And what time does the sun rise in Port Sudan? Just so I can visualise you jogging all the way to the beach in the morning, that's all. SMS doesn't provide enough space for very descriptive missives, and keeping Nuaim and Nu'man company doesn't leave enough time to SMS either. And it really bothers me when your handphone goes dead just when I'm describing Nuaim's latest antics. I never get to the "I Miss You" bit...
Nuaim was really restless yesterday. It started in the morning, when Mak's neighbour dropped by with her baby on the way to the store. Their house is one of those Nuaim visits in the evenings, because it has a fish pond. When they left (actually while they were still in Mak's living room), Nuaim wanted to go visit them at home to see the fish, despite there being no one around. He was getting very close to Tantrum Territory, so I decided to take him for a stroll at one of the shopping complexes, anywhere that has fish of the breathing & swimming variety. Does 1 Utama have a petshop? I must have confused it with Ikano Power Centre, because when I searched the shop index I couldn't find anything on pets or animals.
Luckily enough the Rainforest section had an aquarium of local freshwater fish, so that appeased him. And then we discovered there were actually several koi ponds and waterfalls there. So many fish, of all sizes and colour! I was content to just walk around with Nuaim until he saw two kids walking on a narrow wall between the trees and tried to literally follow in their footsteps. I had to lure him away with promises that we were going to see aeroplanes next. Fortunately there was a big styrofoam model of a jet fighter hanging in an atrium near GSC, and it was close enough to a juice bar so I could get some liquid sustenance.
We had to go through the toy section of U Parkson to get to the carpark. There were miniature cars, trucks, aeroplanes and space rockets in a glass display cabinet which caught his eye, and I had to hoist him up onto my shoulder so he could see the toys on the top shelf. I would have bought him a toy, but the pieces were either too small or too expensive. Tunggu balik Kelantan beli kat Rantau Panjang lah. Or when you come back with more moolah than you can spend.
Nuaim has somehow developed an aversion to being restrained in his car seat. He flipped and flopped on the back seat, and I didn't have the energy nor the patience to deal with him in a humid carpark, so I just made sure that the doors were locked and drove off with him lying on the floor. As we neared the exit, he clambered onto the passenger seat next to me, but still refused to put on the seat belt. It wasn't until we reached the traffic lights at the TTDI junction that I could finally strap him in. Of course, he was really tired by then (after two hours walking about, so was I), and fell asleep before we got home.
Now I understand why you always take a long nap after Nuaim's Sunday morning Tumble Tots session. I'm so sorry I nag you for it.
We went to see the house in TTDI Jaya in the afternoon. Mama and Bapak wanted to see the house too, and Apet roleplayed as a QS to help Azzam take measurements. Everyone was throwing ideas, and my initially simple plan of extending the kitchen and dining room started to grow bigger and bigger.
"You can extend the living room all round right up to the edge," said Mak.
"But then I'll have no verandah," I responded.
"You don't need a verandah."
"But I want one." I was starting to sound like a petulant little girl.
See, this is why I prefer to do things on my own. Mothers mean well, but sometimes they can be so... imposing. And that's when I start to act childish. It's not really me, I'm just responding to external stimuli.
It wasn't until Azzam pointed out that the column in the living room corner couldn't be removed did they drop the notion. Yay, I get to keep my verandah!!
Bapak had taken Nuaim to the playground in front of the house, so he didn't get to see the house properly until after we had finished discussing the renovation plans. By then, it was 6.30 pm and we had to rush home for Asar prayers. Bapak, Mama and your brothers stayed for a late tea and Maghrib prayers, but when they were about to leave Nuaim wanted to go with them. It was heartwrenching to hear Nuaim's cries, I was tempted to let them take him, but Bapak insisted that 'we shouldn't take the boy away from his mother. It's bad enough his father had to go away.' He's so considerate I almost feel guilty.
I've gone through all the videos of Nuaim in my PC and renamed them with more accurate descriptions of the contents. Going through his pudgy baby moments left me feeling nostalgic. How quickly they grow up! Soon Nu'man will be rolling, crawling, walking and running around too.
You may have noticed I don't write much about Nu'man. That's because he spends most of his time sleeping. Two nights ago, he went to sleep at almost midnight and didn't wake up at all till 8 a.m! He's such a happy baby, all you need to do is smile at him and he'll be grinning away! The only time he cries is when he's hungy, or Nuaim tumbles over him.
Oops, I promised to bake lasagna today and it's almost 4.30 so I better start now before the kids wake up.
It's been 12 days since you left. I miss you. How many weeks more before you come home? Is it 60 or 100 days before you get R&R? I hope things are improving over there, then you can come home sooner and we can all go stroll in the Rainforest together.
Lots of love,
Dian
Thursday, 22 June 2006
Catatonic Road Rage
If all you've got to do today is find peace of mind
Come round you can take a piece of mine
And if all you've got to do today is hesitate,
Come here, you can leave it late with me.
You could be taking it easy on yourself
You should be making it easy on yourself
Cause you and I know,
It's all over the front page, you give me road rage,
Racing through the best days,
It's up to you boy you're driving me crazy,
Thinking you may be losing your mind.
It's all over the front page, you give me road rage,
Racing through the best days,
It's up to you boy you're driving me crazy,
Thinking you may be losing your mind.
If all you've got to prove today is your innocence,
Calm down, you're as guilty as can be,
If all you've got to lose alludes to yesterday,
Yesterday's through, now do anything you please.
You could be taking it easy on yourself
You should be making it easy on yourself
Calm down, you're as guilty as can be,
If all you've got to lose alludes to yesterday,
Yesterday's through, now do anything you please.
You could be taking it easy on yourself
You should be making it easy on yourself
Cause you and I know,
It's all over the front page, you give me road rage,
Racing through the best days,
It's up to you boy you're driving me crazy,
Thinking you may be losing your mind.
You're losing your mind.
It's all over the front page, you give me road rage,
Racing through the best days,
It's up to you boy you're driving me crazy,
Thinking you may be losing your mind.
You're losing your mind.
You, you've been racing through the best days
You, you've been racing through the best days.
Space age, road rage, fast lane,
You, you've been racing through the best days.
Space age, road rage, fast lane,
And if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind
Come here, you can take a piece of mine.
You could be taking it easy on yourself
You should be making it easy on yourself
Come here, you can take a piece of mine.
You could be taking it easy on yourself
You should be making it easy on yourself
Cause you and I know,
It's all over the front page, you give me road rage,
Racing through the best days,
It's up to you boy you're driving me crazy,
Thinking you may be losing your mind.
But you and I know,
We all live in the space age, coming down with road rage,
Racing through the best days
It's up to you boy you're driving me crazy,
Thinking you may be losing your mind.
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over,
It's all over the front page, you give me road rage,
Racing through the best days,
It's up to you boy you're driving me crazy,
Thinking you may be losing your mind.
But you and I know,
We all live in the space age, coming down with road rage,
Racing through the best days
It's up to you boy you're driving me crazy,
Thinking you may be losing your mind.
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over,
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over, you and I know
We all live in the space age, you give me road rage,
Racing to the best days
It's up to you boy you're driving me crazy,
Thinking you may be losing your mind.
Losing your mind
We all live in the space age, you give me road rage,
Racing to the best days
It's up to you boy you're driving me crazy,
Thinking you may be losing your mind.
Losing your mind
Monday, 12 June 2006
Hodge Podge
I turned 30 at the end of last month, and Nuaim turned 2 on the same day.
Nuaim, Nu'man and I were staying at my in-laws in Alor Star on my birthday. We were treated to a wonderful cheesecake from Secret Recipe, which was the first cheesecake I've had since 6 pm on 6th April 2004 (that probably helped Nu'man along his way to the big wide world outside my womb). The next day, we drove back to KL and reached Mak's house just after dinner, where another sinfully delicious chocolaty cake of the same company was waiting for us. Nuaim was too scared to blow out the candles on his own. He kept calling them 'bunga api', probably because they reminded him of the fireworks during the SUKMA opening ceremony.
We didn't have time to throw him a proper party, as it was a hectic 3-day weekend with all the travelling to, from and around Kelantan for a relative's wedding. There were cousins, nieces and nephews I hadn't met in ages, so much so that I had a terrible time recalling all their names. Hey, when you've got 45 cousins, some of whom have doubled their own offspring since the last time you saw them, what are the chances of being able to tell them all apart?
Anyway, the thing I really wanted to talk about was this: turning 30.
It's supposed to be a semi-major milestone, a precursor to life begins at 40 (when youth ends, I'd like to add). One can no longer blame the raging hormones of a twenty-something for any dodgy decisions or actions. I heard on Radio IKIM some time ago (and it's about the only thing I've ever heard on radio that really sticks to mind), that when we die and the Day of Reckoning is upon us, the only years that matter are the first 40 years of our lives. So whatever worthy cause or act should have already been over and done with before life even begins. That means I've got 10 years left to make up for and outweigh all the bad and inconsequential stuff I've done in the past. And since I'm no angel and definitely not a saint, not all of the remaining 10 years of youth is going to be well spent either.
So it's good to reflect on the past 30 years and figure out whether I've got what it takes to tip the scales towards the good side of average.
For the life (and afterlife) of me, though, everything I've ever achieved seem to be only for worldly ends. I consistently got good grades, earned a much coveted scholarship to study in the UK, and graduated with top class honours. Got a good stable job, got a house, a car, got married and have two kids.
Applause. Well done. Pat myself on the back.
But what really counts? Things I have, or how I treat what I have? Especially the family bit. I love them all really, but I do wish I treat them better. Be more polite, loving, affectionate, patient and caring. Learn to bite my tongue when my words could very well end up biting their hearts (which, unfortunately, they almost always do). To accept and give unconditionally. I'm an easy person to fall in love with, but terrible to live with.
So my birthday resolution is this: for the next 10 years - and beyond, I shall be the most wonderful wife, mother, daughter, sister and citizen of the world I can be.
It's a shame that just as I realise this, Hubby finally got his wish to join an overseas project. He's leaving tomorrow and will be away for 60 days at least. How now?
In the midst of the World Cup, where other women cry foul over being substituted with football as their partners' constant companion, I am joining the ranks of the Sudan project widows...
****************************
On a lighter note, here's a picture of Muhammad Nu'man, at the age of 2 months.
Nuaim, Nu'man and I were staying at my in-laws in Alor Star on my birthday. We were treated to a wonderful cheesecake from Secret Recipe, which was the first cheesecake I've had since 6 pm on 6th April 2004 (that probably helped Nu'man along his way to the big wide world outside my womb). The next day, we drove back to KL and reached Mak's house just after dinner, where another sinfully delicious chocolaty cake of the same company was waiting for us. Nuaim was too scared to blow out the candles on his own. He kept calling them 'bunga api', probably because they reminded him of the fireworks during the SUKMA opening ceremony.
We didn't have time to throw him a proper party, as it was a hectic 3-day weekend with all the travelling to, from and around Kelantan for a relative's wedding. There were cousins, nieces and nephews I hadn't met in ages, so much so that I had a terrible time recalling all their names. Hey, when you've got 45 cousins, some of whom have doubled their own offspring since the last time you saw them, what are the chances of being able to tell them all apart?
Anyway, the thing I really wanted to talk about was this: turning 30.
It's supposed to be a semi-major milestone, a precursor to life begins at 40 (when youth ends, I'd like to add). One can no longer blame the raging hormones of a twenty-something for any dodgy decisions or actions. I heard on Radio IKIM some time ago (and it's about the only thing I've ever heard on radio that really sticks to mind), that when we die and the Day of Reckoning is upon us, the only years that matter are the first 40 years of our lives. So whatever worthy cause or act should have already been over and done with before life even begins. That means I've got 10 years left to make up for and outweigh all the bad and inconsequential stuff I've done in the past. And since I'm no angel and definitely not a saint, not all of the remaining 10 years of youth is going to be well spent either.
So it's good to reflect on the past 30 years and figure out whether I've got what it takes to tip the scales towards the good side of average.
For the life (and afterlife) of me, though, everything I've ever achieved seem to be only for worldly ends. I consistently got good grades, earned a much coveted scholarship to study in the UK, and graduated with top class honours. Got a good stable job, got a house, a car, got married and have two kids.
Applause. Well done. Pat myself on the back.
But what really counts? Things I have, or how I treat what I have? Especially the family bit. I love them all really, but I do wish I treat them better. Be more polite, loving, affectionate, patient and caring. Learn to bite my tongue when my words could very well end up biting their hearts (which, unfortunately, they almost always do). To accept and give unconditionally. I'm an easy person to fall in love with, but terrible to live with.
So my birthday resolution is this: for the next 10 years - and beyond, I shall be the most wonderful wife, mother, daughter, sister and citizen of the world I can be.
It's a shame that just as I realise this, Hubby finally got his wish to join an overseas project. He's leaving tomorrow and will be away for 60 days at least. How now?
In the midst of the World Cup, where other women cry foul over being substituted with football as their partners' constant companion, I am joining the ranks of the Sudan project widows...
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On a lighter note, here's a picture of Muhammad Nu'man, at the age of 2 months.
