I am just so tired of all this.
Come this Thursday, I would have been working in this industry for almost 64 months. Out of that period, I have spent almost 30 months away from home on attachment to project sites around the country, mostly on the East Coast. In my first two years, I was away for a stretch of 14 months (although I still come home on weekends or long holidays).
By far, this current attachment is the shortest (I've been here since the last week of March) , but I think it's the one that's taking the biggest toll on me. Maybe because my circumstances have changed so much since the last time. All the other projects were during my single days, where I relished hanging out with equally single friends after a hard day's work. What was even more fun was all the extra income from my outstation allowance. Dian the Engineer was an icon of the modern successful woman in a man's world.
Nowadays, I come back too tired to spend good quality time with my family. My body aches, I am irritated, and I talk of nothing but work and all the associated problems that come with it. Having spent the whole day away from me, my son looks forward to me picking him up and showering him with kisses as I come in the door, but I quickly hurry away to wash off the dirt and grime collected from the construction site. I shut my ears to his forlorn wailing, close my eyes against the image of him straining away from the maid towards me with his arms outstretched. My husband takes the night bus from KL every week, despite his fear of their reckless speed, only to see me spend the weekends at the office or on site.
They deserve more than just Dian the Engineer. All Nuaim wants is Dian the Mother who coos with delight and pride when he tries to say 'FISH' and ends up with 'PIH'. All hubby wants is Dian the Wife who dolls herself up just for his sake and no one else's. All Mak wants is Dian the Daughter who is willing to spend a few hours over tea listening to her share her grievances that she keeps so well hidden from other people.
This weekend, at least for only 3 days, Dian the Engineer will step behind the curtains and let Dian the Wife-Mother-Daughter take centre stage.
Sunday, 29 May 2005
Friday, 20 May 2005
If only there was anything clearer than crystal....
When I was in secondary school in Seremban, I used to take part in a few English debating competitions. One of the most over-used phrases in the debating fraternity then was "crystal clear". Today I was reminded of that phrase, and this entry's title was, apparently, another participant's smart spin on it. (No, I am not so original to have come up with that saying myself, nor did I hear it with my own ears as it was quoted to me by another friend).
Anyway, the reminder came as a result of a loss of water supply at the resort where I was staying.
I'd come back from work yesterday, and decided to spend a few minutes with my son while the maid did her prayers. After 15 minutes I began to wonder why it was taking her so long. After she was done and I passed Nuaim over to her so I could take a shower and pray, she told me that there was no water in the bathroom. The only available source was the kitchen tap, and even then the water was sometimes murky.
I called Maintenance. Apparently the whole resort is affected and there was no prior notice from JBA about the disruption, so there is no backup supply.
At about 9.30 pm, the water in my bathroom was flowing clear again, so I thought that was the end of it. But no....
When I woke up this morning the taps were dry again, including the kitchen sink. My husband and I quickly called Awana Kijal and booked two rooms for tonight, in case the problem remained unresolved throughout the day. As I was about to leave for breakfast, the water was back, though barely more than a trickle. We still haven't cancelled the booking at Awana though, just in case...
Oh, and did I tell you I have to come to work today (Friday is meant to be OFF day in Terengganu) because of some documents I'm expecting to arrive from Kuantan at 10.00 a.m., but it's now almost 11.30 and still no sign of anyone?
Anyway, the reminder came as a result of a loss of water supply at the resort where I was staying.
I'd come back from work yesterday, and decided to spend a few minutes with my son while the maid did her prayers. After 15 minutes I began to wonder why it was taking her so long. After she was done and I passed Nuaim over to her so I could take a shower and pray, she told me that there was no water in the bathroom. The only available source was the kitchen tap, and even then the water was sometimes murky.
I called Maintenance. Apparently the whole resort is affected and there was no prior notice from JBA about the disruption, so there is no backup supply.
At about 9.30 pm, the water in my bathroom was flowing clear again, so I thought that was the end of it. But no....
When I woke up this morning the taps were dry again, including the kitchen sink. My husband and I quickly called Awana Kijal and booked two rooms for tonight, in case the problem remained unresolved throughout the day. As I was about to leave for breakfast, the water was back, though barely more than a trickle. We still haven't cancelled the booking at Awana though, just in case...
Oh, and did I tell you I have to come to work today (Friday is meant to be OFF day in Terengganu) because of some documents I'm expecting to arrive from Kuantan at 10.00 a.m., but it's now almost 11.30 and still no sign of anyone?
Friday, 6 May 2005
Speed Devil vs Overconcerned Nanna
Drove home from Kerteh last night with Ros keeping me company. We yakked most of the way home, which helped to relieve the boredom of the KL-Kuantan highway. Mind you, I'd never dare take a night drive all by myself. Can hardly believe I managed to travel from Kuantan to Genting in less than 2 hours. I hope I don't get caught on speed camera doing 160 on a 110 km/h road. Feel damn tired though. To make up for it, I stayed in bed till 10.00 this morning with darling baby Nuaim.
He's so cute when he wakes up in the morning but pretends to still be asleep. His eyes are shut, but he can't hide the smile or giggle when I tickle him behind his ears or his chin. What a lot I missed in 4 days! He can stand and take 3-4 steps unaided, and is now more vocal though he still can't form any coherent words. And he talks back! Must be something he picked up from me...
But tomorrow, hubby is driving us back to Kerteh, hopefully only till the end of the month. Mak isn't too happy about it, since Nuaim won't be spending his time at her house during that time. She keeps telling me to leave him behind, that the trip would tire him out, that he'll be lonely without the usual brouhaha that is her neighbourhood to keep him company and he'll lose his appetite. She's even suggested that I move back into the family home when I finish this Kereh project. What? That's so going to cramp my style!
I can't help thinking how self-centered she is about all this, trying to make me feel guilty for wanting my son to be with me. I mean, Nuaim already spends most of his waking hours away from me, at least let me spend my nights with him. After all, I am his mother, and Mak has already had the opportunity to lavish maternal affection on 5 children, all her own.
I really want to be able to bring up my own children and care for my family my way, without people dictating what I should or should not do. I don't remember my grandparents giving continuous instructions to my parents on how to raise us 5 siblings. Or maybe my parents were just as obstinate as I feel (although I do give in most of the time) and by the time my long-term memory could register anything, my grandparents had already given up. Then again, they did live 10 hours away from us. All the more reason for me to start planning a move somewhere a bit farther than ten minutes away from Mak's house.
Guilt trip. I should order a lovely bouquet of flowers for Mak. After all, it is Mother's Day on Sunday, and Nuaim and I won't be here to celebrate it.
He's so cute when he wakes up in the morning but pretends to still be asleep. His eyes are shut, but he can't hide the smile or giggle when I tickle him behind his ears or his chin. What a lot I missed in 4 days! He can stand and take 3-4 steps unaided, and is now more vocal though he still can't form any coherent words. And he talks back! Must be something he picked up from me...
But tomorrow, hubby is driving us back to Kerteh, hopefully only till the end of the month. Mak isn't too happy about it, since Nuaim won't be spending his time at her house during that time. She keeps telling me to leave him behind, that the trip would tire him out, that he'll be lonely without the usual brouhaha that is her neighbourhood to keep him company and he'll lose his appetite. She's even suggested that I move back into the family home when I finish this Kereh project. What? That's so going to cramp my style!
I can't help thinking how self-centered she is about all this, trying to make me feel guilty for wanting my son to be with me. I mean, Nuaim already spends most of his waking hours away from me, at least let me spend my nights with him. After all, I am his mother, and Mak has already had the opportunity to lavish maternal affection on 5 children, all her own.
I really want to be able to bring up my own children and care for my family my way, without people dictating what I should or should not do. I don't remember my grandparents giving continuous instructions to my parents on how to raise us 5 siblings. Or maybe my parents were just as obstinate as I feel (although I do give in most of the time) and by the time my long-term memory could register anything, my grandparents had already given up. Then again, they did live 10 hours away from us. All the more reason for me to start planning a move somewhere a bit farther than ten minutes away from Mak's house.
Guilt trip. I should order a lovely bouquet of flowers for Mak. After all, it is Mother's Day on Sunday, and Nuaim and I won't be here to celebrate it.
Monday, 2 May 2005
Temptations
Look at this beauty. Whatever money I save from not going to the KL International Book Fair, I'm gonna spend it on this. Just as soon as I fill in all my claim forms, and they're all processed. Now, if only I can find all my receipts and boarding passes...
It's just another day...
I should've just stayed at home another day.
I was back in KL last week to attend a 5-day Control Valve Engineering and Maintenance course conducted by one of the vendors in PJ. The venue was only 10 minutes away from my mum's house, which was very convenient as it meant I had at least 1 and a half hours available in the morning to lounge about doing nothing. I spent the first few mornings catching up on the news, and the next few days catching up on my sleep. It felt so good to wake up at 8.00 a.m. and still make it in time for work. Nuaim seems to have caught the habit of sleeping in as well - he's usually up by 6.30 a.m. at the latest.
Anyway, the course finished on Friday, and yours truly got Top Student honours by virtue of getting the highest score of the combined 4 quizzes we had. Although I have to admit if they took into account the Hands-On training, I wouldn't be anywhere near the Top 5! But as it is, everyone else in the course was from Operations or Maintenance, and I was the only one from a Design Consultant background, so it's only fair that I should know more (at least theoretically) than the rest of the class. For being clever, I got me a mug and a 256MB thumb drive (I keep getting these lately, I now have a combined 672MB of thumb drive space at my fingertips - and all of them free!). This is much better than what my husband received for being Top Student in the same course two years ago - only a denim shirt that everyone got this time round.
I had planned to drive back up to Kerteh with hubby, baby and maid yesterday, but since Nuaim's eye isn't 100% okay yet and he still has to go see the doctor again on Friday, I decided I'll make this trip alone and come back for my family then. The KL International book fair was tempting (last day today at PWTC) but we didn't make it. As it is, I drove off at 7.00 this morning (half an hour later than planned) and arrived just two minutes after my ETA of 11.00 a.m. My left hand is shaking right now - could it be due to the driving, the coffee or an undiagnosed condition of Parkinson's?
It seems however, that more than 2/3 of the office decided to take the day off (KL people get today off in lieu of Labour Day falling on Sunday yesterday). All I've done today is issue a Field Instruction, and I've been trying to compose another one but the drawing I want to mark up for that FI isn't exactly available right now. So I've spent the last couple of hours surfing the Internet, ogling the latest 3G mobile phones - the Motorola A1000 is so worth salivating over, I wonder if it's worth 1 month's outstation allowance?
I've also tried logging into Maxis' online personal account, but after my first time login the system kept redirecting me to the login page. So I called up Customer Service. Turns out that it takes 2 hours before the online account is activated. If only they said that on the webpage, I told them so.
I know I should be doing some other work as well, but I just don't have all the information available with me, and no one who should have the information is available in the office either. So I'm just doing this to kill the next 30 minutes. I'm tempted to just leave and check in at the resort right now, because I really need to express my milk (my left mammary is starting to kill me!) And I so do not feel like going to site right now. We can leave that one for tomorrow, eh?
I was back in KL last week to attend a 5-day Control Valve Engineering and Maintenance course conducted by one of the vendors in PJ. The venue was only 10 minutes away from my mum's house, which was very convenient as it meant I had at least 1 and a half hours available in the morning to lounge about doing nothing. I spent the first few mornings catching up on the news, and the next few days catching up on my sleep. It felt so good to wake up at 8.00 a.m. and still make it in time for work. Nuaim seems to have caught the habit of sleeping in as well - he's usually up by 6.30 a.m. at the latest.
Anyway, the course finished on Friday, and yours truly got Top Student honours by virtue of getting the highest score of the combined 4 quizzes we had. Although I have to admit if they took into account the Hands-On training, I wouldn't be anywhere near the Top 5! But as it is, everyone else in the course was from Operations or Maintenance, and I was the only one from a Design Consultant background, so it's only fair that I should know more (at least theoretically) than the rest of the class. For being clever, I got me a mug and a 256MB thumb drive (I keep getting these lately, I now have a combined 672MB of thumb drive space at my fingertips - and all of them free!). This is much better than what my husband received for being Top Student in the same course two years ago - only a denim shirt that everyone got this time round.
I had planned to drive back up to Kerteh with hubby, baby and maid yesterday, but since Nuaim's eye isn't 100% okay yet and he still has to go see the doctor again on Friday, I decided I'll make this trip alone and come back for my family then. The KL International book fair was tempting (last day today at PWTC) but we didn't make it. As it is, I drove off at 7.00 this morning (half an hour later than planned) and arrived just two minutes after my ETA of 11.00 a.m. My left hand is shaking right now - could it be due to the driving, the coffee or an undiagnosed condition of Parkinson's?
It seems however, that more than 2/3 of the office decided to take the day off (KL people get today off in lieu of Labour Day falling on Sunday yesterday). All I've done today is issue a Field Instruction, and I've been trying to compose another one but the drawing I want to mark up for that FI isn't exactly available right now. So I've spent the last couple of hours surfing the Internet, ogling the latest 3G mobile phones - the Motorola A1000 is so worth salivating over, I wonder if it's worth 1 month's outstation allowance?
I've also tried logging into Maxis' online personal account, but after my first time login the system kept redirecting me to the login page. So I called up Customer Service. Turns out that it takes 2 hours before the online account is activated. If only they said that on the webpage, I told them so.
I know I should be doing some other work as well, but I just don't have all the information available with me, and no one who should have the information is available in the office either. So I'm just doing this to kill the next 30 minutes. I'm tempted to just leave and check in at the resort right now, because I really need to express my milk (my left mammary is starting to kill me!) And I so do not feel like going to site right now. We can leave that one for tomorrow, eh?
